Wednesday, December 8, 2010

How You Piss Off a Friend Using Macaulay Culkin

Katie 6:02 pm

Katie 6:02 pm
my roomie is telling me that she has never seen Home Alone or Bambi

Joseph 6:02 pm
People be stupid.

Katie 6:03 pm
how can you not have ever seen Home Alone?!

Joseph 6:03 pm
Stupid person is stupid.

Katie 6:03 pm've never seen it have you

Joseph 6:03 pm
All three.
Even the gross one without Culkin.

Katie 6:04 pm
wait, you have seen it then?

Joseph 6:04 pm
All three.
Even the gross one without Culkin.

Katie 6:06 pm
i hate you sometimes

Joseph 6:07 pm
I don't know how I can be any clearer.
I've seen all three of the Home Alone series.

Katie 6:07 pm

Joseph 6:07 pm
Even the one that doesn't start Culkin.
Which was terrible.

Katie 6:07 pm

Joseph 6:08 pm
Are you sure?
Maybe I can somehow use Google translate to help out this miscommunication.
Or maybe draft up a document and run it by my attorney.
Or possibly just repeat it over and over again.

Katie 6:09 pm
i haaaate you

Joseph 6:09 pm
I'll live.
I'll somehow cope with your hatred and get through this with my sanity somewhat intact.
I'll probably attend sessions with a therapist so I can get past this hurtful event in my past and live in the present.
I just don't know how I'll rest my head on my pillow tonight.

Katie 6:11 pm
or you could just stop talking

Joseph 6:11 pm
*wipes the sarcastic venom dripping off my lips*

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Ouch! My the Fact I Lost My Innocence!

Joseph 8:57 pm
    But seriously.
    I was molested last night after you left.
Katie 8:57 pm
    by whom?
    the homeless woman?
Joseph 8:58 pm
    Not this time around.
    You remember the douchebags on the third floor?
Katie 8:58 pm
Joseph 8:58 pm
    Well they were getting crazy and they had people coming in and out for a while.
    Around 1:30 I was in bed and I heard the buzzer. Taylor called my name.
Joseph 8:59 pm
    She was like, "These douches outside say they were locked out."
    I go out to see who it is and I open the door.
    These two guys come in stumbling.
    The one grabs me in a bear hug face to face and starts humping me against the wall yelling, "YOU A BIIIIG MUTHAFUCKAAAAAA!!!!!"
    I stood there like, "T_T....Get the fuck off of me."
Katie 9:00 pm
    hahaha woooooow
Joseph 9:01 pm
    The other guy went upstairs and the humpydude followed but started talking to Taylor.
    I was like, "GOOD NIGHT."
Joseph 9:01 pm
    And slammed our apartment door in his face.
Katie 9:01 pm
    hahaha well thats awesome
Joseph 9:02 pm
    I was super pissed.
Katie 9:02 pm
    I don't doubt it!
Joseph 9:03 pm
    I was tired, and I was trying to play this sweet Shawn the Sheep game and we get a douche delivery overnight shipping.
Joseph 9:04 pm
    The worst part is that I think he had a boner...

Saturday, November 20, 2010


Joseph 8:54 pm
    A squirrel barked at me today...
Katie 8:54 pm
    I feel like you are probably hallucinating
Joseph 8:55 pm
    It was real life.
    Well, listen to this monstranity.
Katie 8:56 pm
    Must I?
Joseph 8:56 pm
Katie 8:56 pm
    Fine. Continue
Joseph 8:57 pm
    I woke up this morning feeling incredasick.
Joseph 8:57 pm
    Yes I just said incredasick.
    The combination of incredibly and sick.
Katie 8:58 pm
    I still don't see how this justifies a barking squirrel
Joseph 8:58 pm
    And yes, I'm making up words today.
    Letcho boy finish.
    I got up on the wrong side of the bed, so that's a pretty good indicator that the shit's gonna hit the fan.
    But I just brushed it off.
Joseph 9:00 pm
    Went to Mosaic.
    Feeling nauseous.
    Have you tried giving yourself a anit-vomit peptalk?
Katie 9:00 pm
Joseph 9:00 pm
    No one is there to cheer back at you and it just makes you feel worse.
    By the time orgo lab rolled around at 12:30, I felt like I was dying.
    I finished the prelab quiz in 2 minutes, ran to the bathroom and threw up.
    It was THE WORST.
    Glasses almost fell in the toilet.
Katie 9:05 pm
    Aww I'm so sorry! I hope you skipped the rest of your classes.
Joseph 9:05 pm
    Well luckily lab was the last thing.
Katie 9:06 pm
    Oh well thats good
Joseph 9:06 pm
    I went back and I felt better for
    2 seconds.
    Then I had to sit on the floor.
    My lab partner was like, "Whaaaat is wrong with you."
Katie 9:06 pm
    The floor? Why the floor? I would have been pretty concerned too
Joseph 9:06 pm
    I was like, "Et tu, Brute?! @_@"
    Because labs don't have chairs!
    So I bounced out of there pretty fast.
    I don't know how I made it down the stairs because everything started to look distorted.
    And when I went outside I heard this noise.
Katie 9:07 pm
    Well, you live in the city, so that's not that strange
Joseph 9:07 pm
    It was a barking squirrel.
    It was barking at me.
    And then it started chirping like a bird.
    I was scared.
    It took me 40 minutes to walk home.
    And I witnessed a traffic accident along the way.
Katie 9:09 pm
    I feel like you are making this up and if you aren't then it probably wasn't safe for you to be roaming the streets by yourself
Joseph 9:09 pm
    Look it up.
    Squirrels bark.
    Taylor didn't believe me then I force fed her words back down her throat.
    And I just needed to get home.
Joseph 9:10 pm
    I brought a blanket, pillow and laptop into the bathroom and camped out there for a while.
    Vom vom vom.
    Vom nom nom.
    Too soon.
Katie 9:10 pm
    thats nasty, but I hope you're feeling better
Joseph 9:12 pm
    And you want to know what was the worse part?
Katie 9:12 pm
    do tell
Joseph 9:12 pm
    My mosaic professor didn't know who Wishbone was.
Katie 9:12 pm
    the dog?!
Joseph 9:13 pm
    The freaking dog.
    The best dog of my childhood.
Katie 9:13 pm
Joseph 9:13 pm

Friday, November 19, 2010

The Creation of WWCHNT

Joseph 8:53 pm
    I finally got my headphones.
Katie 8:53 pm
    ooo yay
Joseph 8:54 pm
    I didn't tell you but I checked online for the shipping status around 3:30 and it said they tried to deliver it at 3:10
    I had been home since 12.
    No one knocked or buzzed.
    They didn't leave an info notice.
    Fuck them.
Katie 8:54 pm
    those liars!
Joseph 8:54 pm
    So I drove down to the UPS center and the place is PACKED.
Joseph 8:55 pm
    I was angry at that point and I was like, FUCK THAT SHIT.
    So I went to the front of the line and was like, "Give me my damn package, you damn, dirty apes."
Katie 8:55 pm
    i love this story and its not even over
Joseph 8:56 pm
    The only thing that made everything better was the fact that everyone waiting in line was playing Wheel of Fortune together.
    We were all screaming "BAKED BANANA BREAD" at the TV.
Katie 8:56 pm
    you need a fucking blog
Joseph 8:56 pm
    I am now heavily considering it.